It's not an easy decision.

Hospital births have been kicking my butt. Almost as if the universe was showing me that I was not made to be in that space.

Listen, I'm one heck of a Doula. I'm fierce, I'll advocate hard for you and I'll likely absorb the trauma so you don't have to. But I'm tired of fighting agains a monstrous system that doesn't care about you, your baby or your experience.

Last week I witnessed the most violent treatment to one of my clients. Had I known that hospital was so terrible, I'd encourage them to go ANYWHERE else to have their first baby.

Not only they pushed interventions on a healthy mom, healthy baby and normal situation, but they also didn't allow me in outside of visiting hours. Yup, you read that right. A hospital that won't allow Doulas in the moment their client needs them, but only during what's convenient for them, is raising the biggest red flag I've ever seen.

My client was crying with frustration. So stressed out her labor would stop every time a nurse came into the room.

"This doesn't define you as a mother", "This is just a little part of your motherhood journey". Were things the nurses would tell her, just for her to consent the arbitrary interventions they were pushing.

And the worst part is, this client was so prepared. She did her research, went to classes, hired me as a Doula, read books, made a birth plan and most of all, was laboring beautifully and naturally until she set a foot at the hospital.

She even reviewed the birth plan with her OB ahead of time, and of course, said OB agreed with pretty much everything and promised her so many things that didn't happen after. It's worth mentioning that that OB was anywhere to be seen when my client went into labor.

I left that birth because they kicked me out and I was in tears. Crying with frustration after 10 hours of support. After witnessing the worst nurses, the worst policies and the most insensitive OB I've seen (the attending OB was in the room for 5 minutes. Didn't care to even say hello to the client before she stuck her hand inside her).

So here's the thing: I don't want to witness violence anymore. I don't have to. I don't need to. And the saddest part is: it's not worth it. Because no matter the amount of preparation the client has, or the normalcy of the birth, or the advocacy I can provide, at the end of the day, a hospital treats people who are sick and most of all, they view birth as a medical event (which is not).

You can wish for an unmedicated birth and fight hard to get it, but once you're inside of the Hospital, you're one of their patients. Not a client, a patient. A person who needs to accept how they do things there. Someone who will be gaslighted by a nurse who's "been in healthcare for x amount of years" and of course, knows better than you (even if they never saw a woman give birth in another position, condition or unmedicated). The providers are not guilty, they just need to treat you like a sick person in order to keep their jobs.

Even if they "let you" do some things your way, they will do most of the other things their way. Waking you up to take your vitals, leaving the door open when they enter the room, talking loud and laughing like crazy on the nurses station while you're laboring across the hallway, pulling your baby out of you, cutting the cord way too soon, not letting you eat during the hardest physical work you've done, rushing your body's natural rhythm, raising concerns based on dated, non-evidence based studies and smiling at you while they say "We want the best for you and your baby" so you can feel like you're selfish and putting your baby at risk if you want something different.

I won't be a Doula for people who are planning a hospital birth. Especially not for first time parents. I'm done witnessing the reason why they will choose an out of hospital birth for their next child.

I will be a birth photographer at hospital births. I may cringe at the sight of nurses rubbing your baby but at the end of the day, I'll be just holding a camera and not your hand.

I will be a Doula (the fiercest one) if you transfer from a home birth, or from a birth center to a hospital. I'll advocate the hell out of me for you to not have to endure the stress of the plans changing plus the hospital crap.

Repeat clients, I will always be there for you.

And if you're still reading this: Don't go to a medical facility if you want an unmedicated birth. Like you wouldn't go to a pharmacy to buy medicinal plants. They will make your birth harder and you will have to consent to things just because they're making your labor impossible. They will tell you all the horror stories. They will repeat "It's hospital policy" over and over again. Like it's the law.

If you want to know more about any specific hospital in the SE Wisconsin - NE Illinois, hit me up. I'll tell you all about it.